An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar.

The first one orders a pint, the second one a half pint, the third one a quarter pint…

“I understand”, says the bartender – and pours two pints.

Teacher: What is 2*k* + *k*?

Student: 3000!

Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?

A: Nice belt!

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi!

(Ed’s note: Let’s make this post the Math Joke Forum. Put all your favourite math jokes here.)

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This is one of my favourite Jokes, I actually have it on my personal webpage:

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Awesome sauce!

Please don't be scared, because I stalked you all the way from Weardrobe and not retertging it a bit that I did. Have officially jumped on your follower bandwagon and would be truly dancing with joy if you took a look at my blog when you have some free time. Love from Toronto, Canada.

You’ve good ideas here and here’s another: develop a relationship with a newsagent who lets you take away a section of a daily paper for free or for a pittance. This practise works for me with two shops in County Tipperary. One of them lets me mix the Sunday magazines from one paper in place of the plastic bags that come inside another. All I had to do is ask.

Q: How does one insult a mathematician?

A: You say: “Your brain is smaller than any >0!”

Oh yeah? Well

yourbrain is < M, for all M belonging to the Reals!New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.

According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space.

“How did you like it?” the mathematician wants to know after the talk.

“My head’s spinning”, the engineer confesses. “How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?”

“Well, it’s not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in arbitrary N-dimensional space and then set N = 13.”

A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.

“I don’t understand it!” the interrogating officer exclaims. “You’re an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish – and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!”

“Sorry”, the professor interrupts him. “I had never intended to blow up the plane.”

“So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!”

“Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That’s quite high if you think about it – so high that I wouldn’t have any peace of mind on a flight.”

“And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?”

“You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer…”

I like it. That?s toooooo . . . . . Funny . . . . . . . . . . . .

I like it. That?s toooooo . . . . . Funny . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .